Parenting Relationships

My Brain Heaved A Sigh Of Relief But My Heart Skipped A Beat

This is a late, late post. Last month had been physically and mentally taxing because finally, my son’s formal school started in April. I had penned this down but forgot to publish it. Imagine the kind of routines I was going through…

The orientation ceremony in February, rung bells to start preparations for the formal school. New books, uniforms, bags, tiffins, etc. Covering the books and labeling them was easier than filling up n-number of forms and sticking photographs on each one of them. Nevertheless, the toughest task was programming our body clocks. So the preparations for the first day at school started 15 days earlier. Till now, I woke up at 6 and enjoyed my cup of lemon water with the newspaper till 7. And the boy? Well, earlier his day started at 8 AM, in fact, 8:30 AM in winters, but now we had to shift it by 2 hours and wake up by 6 AM at least. That meant giving up my morning peace. I barely managed to push myself out of the bed and had to drag him out too.

For obvious reasons, I had tiresome holidays and finally, they came to an end. Now he would be in school for 3 extra hours and I would get 6 hours by myself, instead of 3 (as in a playschool). Yippeeee!!! My brain heaved a sigh of relief but my heart skipped a beat. No, not because the boy was going to spend a few hours without me. He had been going to the playschool for over a year now. But he will be on his own for 6 hours flat. Boarding the bus, settling down in class. Of course under the teacher’s guidance, but definitely without that wholesome attention. Now even the student-teacher ratio is twice as that in a playschool.

Now, I won’t have to run after him for the morning breakfast. Instead, the teacher will do that for him. Wow! What a relief! But will she care enough to feed him with the same patience, I do. She will certainly not entertain his tantrums and the last minute demands.

And above all, thank god he wasn’t cranky with separation anxiety. It’s really tough to leave a crying child with the teacher. But this is the biggest reason for my heart skipping a beat.  You should have looked at the other kids. They were shouting, crying and pushing themselves really hard to get down from the bus. And here my son was waving me a goodbye kiss…Phew!! I welled up while kissing him bye and I am choking again while penning this down. Fellow parents envied me for having a happy kid. They exclaimed – “How did you train him to leave on a bus?” But ask me! The ma aka dil was pounding hard. It was hard to accept that he was so grown up to not exhibit any symptoms of separation anxiety. Not even a blink or twitch of lips. The mother in me was happy to see my kid on his own but isn’t it too early for him? He has to learn to button his shirt and pant…tie his shoelaces… Use a knife and fork on his own. He needs to memorize the phone numbers and address. He has tons of things to do before being a grown-up.

 It would not be wrong to say that in the scorching heat, I stood on the bus stand like a rock oblivious of the honking traffic, the sweat trickling down my neckline and the hawkers screaming on top of their voice. Because even though I came back to my home, my soul was still stuck on the bus stop waiting for my son to come back home. People are right in saying that a woman’s heart is complex but a mother’s heart is a step ahead. On one hand, I was waiting for this day and on the other hand, my heart was finding it really hard to accept. I had so many plans for the day but they all went down the drain because I sat on the window in almost Devdas style, waiting for him. And finally, when the bus halted, I had a glimpse of him through the window. His eyes were searching for me and as he stepped down from the bus, his outstretched hands wrapped around me and his parched lips said, “Mumma, what’s there for lunch? I am so hungry!!”. My heart skipped a beat in joy and my brain heaved a sigh of relief yet again because there is still time before he takes a leap out of his nest. There’s still time before he is on his own in true sense.

I know that it’s too early to fear or rejoice over that day. But I can’t help worrying about that. I don’t have any plans to make him a momma’s boy who follows his mom unconditionally, at all costs. I don’t want to keep him tied to my pallu either. But I definitely want him to stay rooted in the home. I want him to conquer the world and discover himself. But he should come back home to find peace and solace. I want him to live by the saying. “Home is where the heart is.”

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  1. I loved reading your post. As moms , no matter how much we say that we want all the time to ourselves, but still we are worried about our kids always.

    1. Supriti says:

      absolutely.. nothing beats that. 🙂

  2. Noor Anand Chawla says:

    I find that every milestone my son achieves brings immense happiness twinged with sadness at the inevitability of his growth and independence. You have beautifully captured the complex emotions a mother feels on this important day.

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u so much 🙂

  3. Oh, how I can connect with every word u wrote! But believe me, we give them wings to fly but when they finally do it is when I feel that the fallopian tube is actually cut! It is heartwrenching. Enjoy every moment u have with him is what I would say 🙂

    1. Supriti says:

      Thank u so much Ma’am. 🙂

  4. Your post reminded me the time when my elder one has started her school and I had felt the same emotions. this is the beauty of motherhood that show us wide spectrum of emotions in a single day.

    1. Supriti says:

      absolutely.. thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  5. While reading your words literally left me teary eyed, I went all into my flashback when I was in your shoes , and my son waved me so happily at the school gate, where all of his friends were crying badly on leaving parents behind, heart touching post.

    1. Supriti says:

      Thank u so much Archana… glad u could relate..

  6. you have described each n every mother’s dukhda..haha

    1. Supriti says:

      haha.. glad u loved it. 🙂

  7. Supriti this is a lovely post and expresses a mother’s dilemma so well! I too have been through the bittersweet pain and joy of children growing up, becoming independent and marked each milestone! Your post took me back to that time!

    1. Supriti says:

      Awww.. glad u could connect. 🙂

  8. A heart -touching post where in you have tried showcasing the mixed bag of emotions that a mother carries in a given day. I think all mothers feel that twang when their kids leave home to face the world even for couple of hours.

    1. Supriti says:

      I know.. the pain is real. Thank u for stopping by and sharing ur views. 🙂

  9. Separation anxiety attacks us along with our kids. I have also gone through this with my daughter. We both have but i had to be strong. You prepare them 15 days in advance wow. I have never tried or attempted that. She just eventually began sleeping on time after i explained to her during the first week of school why she needs sleep.

    1. Supriti says:

      thats so awesome. Thank u for ur kind words.

  10. kids adapt much easier and well than we can think. though my son took a long time to adjust but he now enjoys being in school.

    1. Supriti says:

      Thats so great. Thank u for stopping by. 🙂

  11. We are yet to reach that stage but each milestone does have lots of emotions. With parenting, we open a pandora of emotions every day.

    1. Supriti says:

      Absolutely.. all the best for ur journey ahead. 🙂

  12. My memories came flooding back as I read your post. The mixed emotions of pride and worry, joy and sadness are point on. How true it is that as our children grow, we are proud of them becoming more and more independent but there is a tinge of anxiety which whispers in our ears…telling us that my child is getting ready to fly out of their nest.
    I think this anxious feeling will always be tagging along with our life as a mother because that is what motherhood is- ‘It is all about our children’

    1. Supriti says:

      U said it all Preeti.. It’s all about our children… Thank u for ur kind words. 🙂

  13. Fareha says:

    As mums we are always thinking about our kids all the time. Loved reading the post.

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u Fareha.. 🙂

  14. You have written this post so beautifully and absolutely straight from the heart. My daughter is starting formal school this month and I can foresee myself going through these emotions for sure. You are right a heart of a woman is complex but that of a mother is totally a different level. I wrote my experience when she started play school. You might like to read it

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u so much Arushi..glad u loved it.. 🙂

  15. It’s such a beautiful post. I am not a mom but can relate to it well as I keep thinking about my niece

    1. Supriti says:

      Glad u could connect. 🙂

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