Old age budhape ki lathi
Parenting Relationships

I hope to Nurture a Strong ‘Budhape ki Lathi’ for myself

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Whenever I thought of kids, I always hoped for a girl. Especially after marriage, my desire to have a girl increased manifold. It wasn’t a fantasy to dress her up or play with her. It was a dream. I wanted to raise a girl who is confident, independent, one who can either find a life partner of her choice or ask us to do the honours for her. A lady who will maintain her identity, stand by it and defy all the patriarchal norms. Needless to say, she will stand by her parents even after marriage and look after them just like she would be expected to look after her in-laws. But anyways, god had some other plans.

He gifted me a son and suddenly all my dreams looked frivolous. I wondered why? Why was I over assertive on having a confident girl and didn’t care about it when I had a boy? Why I wanted to raise my girl to take care of me in the old age but with a son, I should expect him to lead his own life without worrying about his aging parents? After all, a son isn’t my budhape ki lathi, that’s what everyone says these days. I shouldn’t tie him in my cruel expectations and pull down his joys.

Why was I over assertive on having a confident girl who would take care of her aging parents and didn’t care about it when I had a boy?

The definition of ‘budhape ki lathi’ has changed over the years. Gone are the days, when aging parents felt financially insecure. Most of us have retirement plans in place, right from the day we start earning. So in all probability, at the time of retirement, we would be financially stronger than our kids (who would still be struggling to finish their masters by then). So Financial needs are taken care of. But what about the emotional needs?

My son is just 4 years old now and I have already started spending time with myself. My son is gradually becoming a little independent, so I have started developing my hobbies and interests (something that I can fall back on in my old age and fight the empty nest syndrome). I devote a good amount of my time and energy into it. I have places to visit and I have friends to talk to. Yet at the end of the day, I feel tired and exhausted. That’s when my son jumps in, kisses me good night and hugs me tight to sleep. My eyes with dark circles sparkle in midnight. The tiredness withers away. The energy for the upcoming day is restored. And most importantly, I am instantly drifted into deep slumber without any sleeping pills or anxiety to sleep with.

Years down the line, most probably my son would be studying in a different city, separated by time zones. Yet every time I sit down for a meal, I will wonder whether my son had his tummy full khana or not. Every time I go to sleep, I will wonder how many hours of sleep my sonny boy is getting. I value our relationship and will value it till the last breath. In my old age, all I would expect from my son is a little emotional support and I hope I can nurture a strong budhape ki lathi for myself.

I hope, I can inculcate the right values in my son from the beginning. I hope he grows up to appreciate the relationships and value them. I hope he grows up with a heart full of desires and follows his dreams but at the same time has a little space reserved for his relationships. The relations that will give him strength through the crests and troughs of life. The relations that will support him to achieve his dreams. The relations whose warmth will traverse the oceans and cuddle us both to a peaceful sleep.

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66 Comments

  1. Lovely Writeup, bingo on your thoughts as I too had wanted to have girls but were gifted brats.
    But I am proud to nurture them to be responsible and caring boys.
    I wish you the same and I’m sure you will bring out a great human being.
    I loved each and every line of the last paragraph the most
    #PraGunReads #MyFriendAlexa

  2. A thought even I agree on. While raising kids as independent ones, we should be free from expectations.

    1. Supriti says:

      yes. very true. Glad we could resonate

      1. Great thoughts. Happy to know you have your own hobbies and your list to do things. Though it’s not easy to be free from expectations, but it’s good thing for sure.

        1. Supriti says:

          Absolutely. Glad u loved it. 🙂

      2. Lovely

        I can relate

        Or can say kahani ghar ghar ki

        By the way awesome post

        1. Supriti says:

          True.. True… Kahani ghar ghar ki and kasautey zindagi ki. Glad u loved it. Thanks alot.:)

  3. wooww! loved the post! amazing

  4. Expectation free living is a good start

  5. Supriti says:

    Thank u so much. 🙂

  6. Nice thoughts.I too wanted a girl but IAM blessed with a boy.I think we shld allow them to pursue thr dreams expecting from thm will be our foolishness.Yes thr must be respect and regards and thru a good teachings sure they will becm good human which shld be our priority.Budhape ki laatti ke wajh badhape mein pyar de Jahan kahin rahe…

    1. Supriti says:

      true that. 🙂

  7. Well Written. I too have a son almost same age as yours. so i can really relate to every word you wrote.

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u so much. Glad u loved it. 🙂

  8. I am blessed with a family who doesn’t expect anything from me.

    But we as children should give support to our parents😊

    1. Supriti says:

      true… we should support our parents. 🙂

  9. Girls do take care of parents in their old age. My sister did. My wife and her sisters look after their parents. So it is becoming a myth that boys alone look after their parents. May be many do, but many don’t or can’t. More so if they are settled abroad or in a different city within the same country. In our belief system, many believed if a son performed the last rites parents went to heaven. Those concepts are changing. Boys and girls are no different. As long as kids are raised well and are empathetic towards ageing parents, things will be fine.

    1. Supriti says:

      Absolutely my point sir. Our expectations from boys and girls shouldn’t be any different. We should treat them as kids instead of boys and girls.

  10. A very positive article. It helps to remind oneself that the best budhaape ki lathi is oneself! All the best!!

    1. Supriti says:

      thanks a lot. 🙂

      1. Well your post so touched me as in i can relate me and my moms chemistry!

        1. Supriti says:

          That’s the best compliment ever. Glad u loved it. 🙂

  11. well written, this comes in every mom thought but ,my thought are changed little bit. yes, i want to give him best value and everything but I pray to God I will be never depend on my children in old age and nor I am hoping /expecting anything from them because today generation will not be as grateful as previous generation was

    1. Supriti says:

      u r right.. least is expected out of them but my maa ka dil still cannot come to terms with “No Expectations” POlicy. Infact my next article is about expectations from kids. Hope u like it. 🙂

  12. Nice post. Our generation can begin to free our children from our expectations. They are not obliged to become our care takers. However all the quality time we spend with them will make the bond stronger. It can be a pure unadulterated relationship without any pressure and expectations. Wonderful read!

    1. Supriti says:

      Thank u so much. Glad u loved it Swapna. 🙂

  13. Ruchi Verma says:

    Life always showers different gifts than our expectations and I feel blessed have both my son and daughter in my life..I just love the writeup..and feel the same echo!

    1. Supriti says:

      Echo!! Glad we connected. Thank u so much.:)

  14. Rashi Roy says:

    One is the happiest when there’s no expectations at all. Such a positive post that I could resonate with.

    1. Supriti says:

      Glad u loved it. Thanks a lot. 🙂

  15. Very well written. So glad you find your me time and can balance it well with motherhood.

    1. Supriti says:

      Thanks a lot. Glad u loved it. 🙂

  16. Great thoughts. Yes, once we leave our expectations, the motherhood would be joy at any point in time. Really loved the way you have written. Be it be a boy or girl, whether the child has been raised as an independent kid or not is all that matters at the end.

    1. Supriti says:

      Thank u so much. Glad u loved it. 🙂

  17. Ghazala Naseem says:

    Son or daughter , we are emotionally attached with both . Since time has changed so now daughter’s are also taking care of thier old parents thus trying to be thier Budhape ki laathi 🙂

    1. Supriti says:

      Yes. girls are indeed becoming the budhape ki lathi… thank u so much for reading my piece. 🙂

  18. Again, loved your perspective on this one too. We all need to learn to be independent and self sufficient. Life is moving at a super fast pace and we should keep up.

    1. Supriti says:

      Yes Leha.. very true. thank u so much for your valuable feedback. 🙂

  19. Bringing up kids the right way is more important than whether they are boys or girls. People are more aware and want their kids to be responsible citizens and family. Really nice blog!

    1. Supriti says:

      yes. we should raise strong and independent kids. 🙂

  20. We are at the same stage of life Supriti. My son turns 4 this month and I have been trying to raise him to be independent sans any gender discrimination. Your post strikes a chord with me very strongly because I see too many similarities in our perspectives. Cheers to strong mothers like us raising sensitive, sensible and self reliant sons.

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u Sonia for your kind words. All mothers are living through the same… 🙂

  21. Not having expectations will improve relationships. Enjoyed reading this lovely write-up

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u.. Glad u loved it. 🙂

      1. Wah loved your thoughts. It is really good to see that you want to inculcate the right values in the mind of your son. It is really appreciable.
        I have my two daughters and I have quite a similar thoughts to make them independent and confident too. Let’s see what God is planning further…. 🙂

        1. Supriti says:

          god is with u… they will grow up just fine. all the best to u. 🙂

  22. I read this post of you and look at my parents again and again. This was a heart touching post. Awesome.

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u.. glad u loved it..

  23. Loved your post, Supriti. The post resonated with me as a daughter. Instead of tieing down a child with expectations, to allow the child to grow into an independent and empathetic individual. The two should not be mutually exclusive.

    1. Supriti says:

      yes.. it should be inclusive and parents have a very important role in upbringing of empathetic kids.

  24. Well written a thought many of us as parents have. I may not understand the deep meaning yet as I am not a mother yet I cannot help but relate this with my parents.

    1. Supriti says:

      Thank u.. I hope ur parents relate to this.. 🙂

  25. Beautifully written. I 100 percent agree. They should not be forced into a scenario where they compromise their future for our sake.

    1. Supriti says:

      absolutely. Glad u loved it 🙂

  26. While reading, I could relate myself with you. It was a beautiful post. Nicely written.

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u so much. Glad u loved it. 🙂

  27. Beautiful post… The biggest win for any parent is when we can free our kids from expecattions of any and all kinds…. Enjoyed reading Supriti…

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u so much. Glad u loved it. 🙂

  28. Every single word that you have written speaks my heart.. very relatable

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u so much. glad u loved it. 🙂

  29. This is truly a positive post, the best thing I like in this post that there is no expectation.

    1. Supriti says:

      thank u so much. glad u loved it. 🙂

  30. I am blessed enough to have a family who will support me to their fullest extent without expecting anything in return. But it’s my duty to take care of them. Great post. 🙂

    1. Supriti says:

      very true. Thank u for ur appreciation. 🙂

  31. Great Post !! It’s our responsibility to make boys and girls understand about their behaviour and needs. This is us who can try to make them equal. And first thing first, they will start learning what they will see, and that starts from our home.

    1. very ture. bang on. glad u loved it. 🙂

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